Another possible stoned ponderation: What's your favorite fruit??
or
Further Adventures of our Favorite Fun-Loving Canucks
**Some portions of the following text may trigger conflicting emotions in fun-loving stoners, Canadians, or both. No harm was intended to either group. Personal discretion is advised**
SS and Jewels were schoolmates way up there in Saskatchatoon, or some such place, in the heart of the Queen's western yard.
Every day, they trudged their way to school, up hill both ways, Kilometers at a time...
They shook off marmots, and ran from Moose,
They even had to use The Crane against an unruly goose!
To make their journey just a little more bearable (and check on their secret cornfield crop), they'd cut through the grumpy ol Farmer Billy's fields on their way to the bus stop.
He'd yell, and curse, and shake his fist whenever he saw the fellas scampering through- whistling vengeful vows through a cob pipe, and gritted teeth.
As they say, the sun shines on a dog's balls once in a while, and today was that old Farmer Billy's day...
Puffing and giggling their way through the ol farmer's fields, Jewels and SS looked to this new year with great expectations.
They'd be graduating next spring. They'd be damn near legal for the Beer Store, and up to their Osk Kosh bibs in barrels of premium, guerilla-grown goodness to offer the ladies gathered around the next swimmin hole, or iceberg, or wherever Canadians socialize.
"Damn, Jewels, this is some pungent PiffTangelope, my friend", SS exclaimed, as they closed in on their clandestine crop. "I can smell the crop over what we're smokin on now!"
Jewels sniffed the air left, then right, then the doob in his hand.
"Shit, SS, that better not be our crop- If so, it's burning way too early, and at the wrong house!"
"Hell, Jewels, maybe Ol Farmer Billy is a lot cooler than we thought after all!" said SS, with a hopeful grin.
Glancing toward Ol Farmer Billy's homestead, they caught sight and smell of something that might have been lovely- if it weren't emanating from the ol farmer's burn pile, behind the barn.
Snuffing their joint, and scooping their jaws off the ground, the two of them ran toward the barn.
Jewels fought tears back, envisioning months of plant checking, pruning, and sexing, just billowing up and away before his eyes- early, no less!
SS, ever the optimist, hoped to find Farmer Billy surrounded by topless milk maidens, in an epic smoke sesh, with a wide, welcoming smile...
As they rounded the near side of the barn, they'd soon find out just where in that spectrum of possibilities the truth would lie.
Creeping past the barn, and around the clothes line, they noticed that the incensey, citrus funk aroma that drew them to the barn in the first place was now giving way to something else.
Socks, underwear...."Shouldn't the laundry go on the line after it's been washed?" Jewels wondered....
...Onions? Garlic?....Some kind of...Cheese?...
"GOTCHA!!" Billy yelled, springing from behind a conspicuously lone bail of hay, double-barrel at the ready...
The two guerilla green thumbs froze in their tracks, far too close to outrun buckshot now.
"Aww, shit, mister, what gives with the shootin iron??" SS pleaded, his hands covering his face like they could do anything beside adding a peppering of fingernails to the lead that may be his last meal.
"Uhh, yeah, man," Jewels chimed in nervously, "We just smelled some good Canadian Coughee, and came over to say Hey, Eh... No need to get all shooty!" We're all tokers here- Can't we all just get along around a bong? Cut the gripe with a pipe? Get to the point with a joi-"
"Naw'Hol'On!"
Jewels found his lip movement momentarily interrupted by the sudden presentation of a half eaten drum stick, previously hidden by Billy, between the shotgun, and God knows where.
"Even if we do all indulge in the Devil's Cabbage, that gives you boys no right to go all traipse'n through my fields, willy nilly, using my acreage to grow this here bonfire kindlin!"
"What the hell are you boys growin, anyway? Potpourri? This shit smells like hand cleaner and bunny farts!"
"Damnit, boy, a real man's weed should smell as foul as a real man hisself!"
"Gimme some Skunk! Cheese! Garlic!"
"Hell, You gimme a pustulate, borderhoppin' granny's week old sanitary supplies, wrapped in a fat king sized paper or two, and you got my pecker higher n' wetter than Katrina's sea levels"
SS spoke up, "Nah, man, we like the funk too, it's just - "
"Yeah, yeah, I ain't here to argue with you boys. Ain't got time fer it.... You boys been caught here, on my property, tresspassin', habitually."
Billy stated confidently, licking clean his cajun flavored fingers, and realigning the business end of his boom stick.
"A man's got his castle, err, farm, and a man's got his rights. And if a man doesn't defend his farm, or his rights? Well, just what kinda man is he?"
The fellas looked at each other, and simultaneously gulped. They wished they had finished that last joint, cuz they would need to be a whole lot higher for what they just knew was coming next.
"You're really gonna kill us, Mister? Just for running through your field, and planting a few plants in between the corn?? Just let us leave, and you'll never see us again, We swear!!" Jewels offered as a compromise.
"Fellas, fellas, settle down a touch! You think I'm some kinda barbarian?!? I'd never just put ya down like one of my hogs, without a fair, or fightin chance!"
"Hell, ya'll ain't even got enough meat on ya!"
"No, I'm gonna give ya a fair shake, as they say..."
"Anything, Mister!" SS said, with renewed hope.
"Alright," Billy continued, "This is how it's gonna work..."
"If you boys wanna make it home for dinner tonight, go out into any of my fields, and bring me one piece of your favorite fruit."
"That's it?? Easy peasy! We'll see you in 2 minutes" (Or whatever the equivalent Canadian time unit would be 😁) Jewels said, with cool confidence, as he nudged SS.
"Whoa, now, not so quick!" Billy stopped them
"Just how stupid do you boys think I am?? One of ya goes, and I hold the other here. No point in both of ya running off without your lesson for the day, right?
Once the first gets back, I'll let the second go pick. When you're both back with your favorite fruit, or veggie, if ya like those, then I'll explain your next task. Now, who wants to go first?"
SS already had his favorite fruit in mind, so he piped up first.
"I'll go! I know what I want, and I'll be back in 2 shakes!"
Jewels smirked, and wished his buddy the best of luck. He would take the extra time he was given, and figure a way out of this precarious predicament.
Choosing his favorite fruit was the least of his worries. He was familiar with all the varieties grown on this farm, and had tasted them all at least once at one time or another.
His mind was more on the "whys" of the importance of the selection.
What exactly was this old bastards game? This was a punishment, right? So, why offer them some sweet, tasty treat after all?
Just as his mind was drawing a conclusion as to the purpose of this exercise, he saw SS heading back with a proud grin, and a spring in his step.
"Alright, your buddy's just about back- You can go ahead and 'choose your weapon', if you will..." said Farmer Billy, barely able to contain a chuckle.
Brushing aside the farmer's choice of words, Jewels headed off to the fields to make his selection, and get this whole debacle over with.
He took all the time he could afford, browsing the various vines, trees, and bushes, while still trying to solve this mad farmer's end game.
The fruit, the shotgun, the cranky old farmer...
Suddenly, it all made sense!
Jewels knew exactly what this fella had planned....but if Jewels had his way, he'd outfox this old badger with a plan of his own, twice as cunning...
"This dumb blind old bastard thinks he's William Tell! Well, he's got another thing coming if he thinks I'm gonna let him shoot an apple off my head..."
And with that thought, he headed out past the orchards.
Back at the farm, both Farmer Billy and SS were growing impatient, but for separate reasons. Billy had other things to tend today. He couldn't afford to wait around just to teach these little punks a lesson!
SS was caught somewhere between wanting to know what the hell would happen once Jewels got back, and when he could finally eat the perfectly ripe blueberry
he brought back.
"C'mon, Mister, can I just eat this berry, and be done with it?? I've been holding it for a while, and it's starting to stain my hand..."
"Damnit, no- just wait a second!" Billy retorted, before SS could pop it in his mouth.
"That there berry ain't for you to simply toss down your gullet, son. I told you this was a punishment.
You were both supposed to be back for the rest of the conditions, but your buddy's taking forever. As much as I hate to repeat myself, I suppose we can get started without him."
"Now, I do consider myself a sporting man, so you'll get just as much opportunity to walk away from here as you do to end up hog feed. Sound good?"
SS's eyes widened at the farmer's suspiciously grim proposition. He glanced at the blueberry in his hand, back at the farmer, and back to the berry.
"Ummm, OK.....W-What's the game?" SS stuttered.
"Pretty simple, all in all, considering the possible outcomes. I'm gonna cut that berry in half, and you have to eat it, without a lick of emotion." the farmer started.
"Well, shit, that sounds easy enough- Let's do it!" SS replied, cutting Billy off.
"I appreciate your enthusiasm, but let me finish..." Billy continued, as he sliced the lone fateful blueberry.
"You're gonna eat your half calm as a kitten, while I take my half, and wriggle it up your ass."
"WHAT THE F-" SS gasped
"...And if you can handle a little berry buggerin', my boy, you'll be free to go about your merry way!
If not, well, that means I win, and, well.....I'm sure you can figure out the rest...." He said, giving his scattergun an emphasizing tap.
The next few seconds were some of SS's most embarrassing in memory. Blueberries would never again taste the same for him, and, in fact, may now just be his least favorite fruit. Who knew the fight of his life would be here, in his mouth?
He struggled with all his might to swallow that half berry down, all the while fighting the urge to scream, cry, or even giggle in response to the Marquis De Fruit's frivolous fingering.
Finally, after what seemed like eons, he swallowed that damned berry. Things were going about as well as they could on the other end, too, with the funky farmer now easing up his administration, and the southern berry just almost out of sight...
"Yes! Victory!" SS thought to himself "That wasn't as bad as it could've been..."
His eyes opened. He exhaled, and appreciated the bright sun just a little more than he had even an hour ago.
As his focus returned, he saw Jewels returning from the fields, his own fateful fruit in tow.
SS's eyes narrowed, then widened. He tried to contain his composure, but it was no use.
The burst of laughter that betrayed his composure was the second to last thing he heard.
The last being the hammer of a shotgun, clicking into the firing position...
"Why, SS?? What the hell happened down there?? Why laugh at such a time, in such danger?? You were so close to freedom!" St Peter begged incredulously.
SS pleaded in his own defense,
"I couldn't help it Pete, I swear! I saw Jewels coming back with a watermelon!!"
🥁🤪 😁
